it's really hard to sayi love you
by KYOGAKURA
Summary: hakkai gets lonely but someone comforts him...who will i be? it's really pointless but really sweet by ending part...read it, it's really nice!


A certain phrase that's really hard to say  
  
Summary: Hakkai gets lonely and someone comforts him. What will happen after that? Read on to find out  
  
A common shounen-ai. I won't tell you who comforts him! Just read and find out!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own saiyuki. Kazuya Minekura does. Otherwise I only own Jahnrl; a manga character my cousin and me made last summer.  
  
Hakkai's POV  
  
Here goes:  
  
They saw me smiling all the way, Calm, collected and somewhat may. Laughing always amidst the pain, Always walking in the right lane.  
  
Yet they never knew the man inside, Unknown to all what happens in his mind. His heart that feels alone, And sadness seeping passed his soul. Despite his concealed attitude, And always surprising mood.  
  
Among the long ways and crowds, Someone heard his shouts. And in the silence of the night, Somehow finally understood. Opposites they may seem, But who knows what fate might bring.  
  
I sat there thinking as usual. I stared down at my hands; I always did when I felt I was alone. I always felt alone even if they're all beside me, talking, laughing, I felt jealous. Then after that someone would come and talk some sense into me, someone who I worshipped throughout this journey, someone who I loved.  
  
I wish I could tell him how I feel  
  
"Ch"  
  
I looked at the sitting figure beside me whom I thought was sleeping soundly. I guess I was wrong. I reached out to touch him but halfway there I stopped. I don't know why but my hand froze in mid-air. I pulled my hand back silently, afraid to draw attention to it.  
  
"Darn! You're so loud" he shouted as he lit his nicotine stick. I just stared at him smiling to myself. I need to think...  
  
Why did I agree to this seemingly pointless journey?  
  
Was it because of Gojyo? I lived with him for so long that when he went I also went? That was stupid. I wasn't the one who would follow someone without any reason to do so.  
  
Was it because I wanted to forget something? To atone for it maybe? No, I can't escape my past, I can't even forget her smile, her caress, her scent, her everything! Ah...a thousand reasons to think about that my heads aching.  
  
What did I fight for? Peace?  
  
That's just fiction. Everyone knows it. Well maybe not everyone but only a few. Peace, what did it mean? Another sweet word to make you sleep comfortable at night? Maybe not  
  
God, I need help...  
  
This emptiness...what does it need to fill up?  
  
Kanan...I thought I lost everything when you died. I thought I'd be dead by now. You meant a lot to me...I always kept you here...in a deep hole in my heart. That's where you ought to be right now...but...now I think I betrayed you...for loving him...  
  
I see...I went on this journey because of him...  
  
"Hey, you can't carry that burden by yourself"  
  
"I was just...having a private time with myself" I looked at him.  
  
The only one who filled up that hole in my heart. The only one who could talk some sense into me. The only one after Kanan...  
  
I looked up and saw a shooting star. That's the second time I saw one of that. I always thought I could reach those things. I guess I had to make a wish.  
  
"Look a shooting star!"  
  
"I guess you want me to make a wish then?" Sanzo said with his usually irritated voice.  
  
"No, not a all. I wish I could get a good sleep tonight"  
  
"Childish, really childish" I smiled at what he said. I felt sleep creeping up to me. I felt really warm after that long thinking time. I wanted to sleep. But I wasn't prepared for a certain dream that came my way.  
  
Kanan...  
  
She was there...she's so beautiful.  
  
Butterflies fluttered around her. The moon her background. She was floating above a lake. She's like an angel.  
  
Gono...I'll release you now...goodbye...  
  
I stretched out my hand to touch her but when I did she was gone.  
  
KANAN!  
  
My dream ended faster than you can say, "gone".  
  
I felt someone's hand resting on my shoulder. I looked down at it and noticed it was Sanzo's. Kanan...you wanted me to be happy after all...  
  
"Darn! When can I get some sleep!"  
  
"Sorry"  
  
I got off the jeep and headed for the stream beside us. I gazed at it. It was beautiful. It was reflecting the stars that it was also shining. Then someone sat beside me. His hand lay on top of my shoulder. I held it with my right hand. This was the moment of truth.  
  
"Sanzo..."  
  
"Hnn?"  
  
"I've been thinking..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I really wanted to say this to you..."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"I..."  
  
I was preparing for this moment since the day we first met but I couldn't say it after all. Was I hesitating? No. Maybe I'm afraid to lose him as a friend. Yes that's got to be it...  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Nothing"  
  
"Oh you're just wasting my time!"  
  
"Sanzo...what did you wish for a while ago?"  
  
"For those two to stop bickering all the time"  
  
"Okay..." he got up and went towards the jeep I guess he was really tired.  
  
I love you...  
  
If I could turn back time I'd wish upon that star again. I'd wish to be God. I'd give you anything you want...I'd even give you this whole damn world if you like! Maybe I'll tell you...someday...maybe...  
  
Sanzo's POV  
  
"For those two to stop bickering?! Boy, was I stupid! Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!"  
  
I cursed myself for not telling him a while ago while I had the chance. I'd probably kill to catch him alone again. Stupid. But yet again...I guess I'll say it right now.  
  
Hakkai...aishiteru...  
  
I wish in our next life we would be together...for you I'd reach up and grab that star...for you I'd kill...to hold you again, I'd kill for that...to touch your ivory skin would be heaven to me...  
  
I love you...  
  
Just wait for me...I swear I'll tell you this three little words...someday...maybe...  
  
Maybe I was blind, Afraid to face the truth. Deaf to feel and hear, Afraid to lose myself.  
  
Distant in a way, Never admitting my mistake. Holding on for dear life, Avoiding love in every way.  
  
My mind may scream, My heart can beat. My soul removed,  
  
Yet I myself would not react. Through the eyes I saw, The pureness of his words. And finally I gave up and let go, To the present love of my life.  
  
I love you...you know I'll say that phrase...just wait for me...  
  
=the end= 


End file.
